Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
