I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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