grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
