dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
