I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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