May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
