I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
