Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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