I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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