dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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