He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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