Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize