My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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