He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
