she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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