pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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