i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
