best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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