I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
