I wannas sexs uuuuu
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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