My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
