i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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