My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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