its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
