I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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