Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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