remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
