Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
