This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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