I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize