My sheets look like a crime scene.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
