Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
