I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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