How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
