i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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