I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
