I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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