Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
