I'm pants shitting drunk right now
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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