I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
