dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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