I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
