FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
