no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
