What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm getting married
To pizza
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
