Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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