In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
how drunk are you?
Several
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
