What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
This show inspires me to have sex in space
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
