Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
