i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
