My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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