ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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