Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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