Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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