dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
