i just wanna soil my oats bro
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize