Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
