Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
