my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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