The maid of honor just puked.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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