You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
