I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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