I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
worst night to have a conscience
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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