11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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