i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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